feelingofgaze

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not reticent, I'm Renaissance.
quasi-academic. too old for Tumblr.
some people call me Laura. some people call me Lola. other people call me other things.
ambivalent about most things. enthusiastic about food, reception studies, Pretty Little Liars & women musicians of the 1990s & early 2000s.

twitter.com/lolaleviathan:

    wedding feelings t minus 3 weeks

    1. me: I’m the worst.    B: no, we’re The Worsts.

    2. PEP TALK FOR MYSELF: I approach wedding planning like I do everything else in my life,

    procrastinating for two seemingly contradictory reasons: 1. I fear success and achievement and half-ass things so if people hate it, I can just be all like, “I wasn’t even trying and don’t give a shit;” 2. everything will be fine and get done because it always does. it’s like when I write my final papers every semester. it will be half-assed but chock full of goofy jokes & brilliant insights & packaged so smoothly you won’t even realize it slipped in under the wire. plus you’ll be drunk!

    self-affirmation is important!

    3. plus, okay, granted, I am not an expert, but I have been to more weddings than most people since my dad is a pastor and my mom is an organist. there are only two things that have made me ever judge a wedding super harshly: reinscription of oppressive antiquated gender politics and lack of (free) booze. I can’t imagine either of those things being a problem at my wedding.

    4. not to be a dick about it, but it kind of hurts my feelings when people ask if I’m going to change my name.

    5. I think that, in the future, even though this is the season of my wedding, I will think of Summer 2012 as that summer I smoked a lot of weed and did a lot of yoga and practiced keyboard a lot and made breakfast sandwiches every day (mayo + bacon = bride diet of champions) and spent like 20 hours a day with my dog. I’m kind of OK with that. after an intense semester—an intense year—an intense two years—I need a few months of just spending a lot of time being a body. plus I’ve been having weird wedding feelings this whole time that I’m just now sorting out.

    6. not weird marriage feelings—I mean, I feel weird about the institution of marriage, but I don’t feel weird about being married to this particular person since we’ve been basically living as married people since college. I don’t believe in soul mates, and I believe a lot of people could have been / are / will be right, but he makes the most sense at this point in my life. and I love him & junk. but I feel weird about other people’s expectations & assumptions about what this wedding is supposed to be like and what it’s supposed to mean and how we’re supposed to feel.

    7. the other night I was sitting in the backyard at 3 AM reading old love letters by candlelight (yeah) and I realized what was getting to me wasn’t “am I marrying the right person?” but the fact that we’re partially doing this so that we can be married before our ten-year anniversary: and where have ten years gone? and am I a good person? have I been good to the people in my life? am I where I want to be, not romantically but just as me? can I sail through the changing ocean tides? can I handle the seasons of my life? hm hm, I don’t know.

    — 2 years ago with 3 notes
    #longform  #confessionalbooth 
    1. feelingofgaze posted this